Towards the end of the first week of treatment I began to experiences changes, quite subtle and spontaneous. I felt more lively, clearer in my mind, less “gloomy” in general. Significantly, I felt like walking around the city center in San Jose, content with very simple things, looking at the people, examining with pleasure the public art and so on. I sat on a little wall near the big post office, where the local people gather. I was amused to notice something about myself which I did not see before. Whereas the Costa Ricans, even strangers, were content to sit very close to each other, I unconsciously sought a space of five or six feet for myself.
Now this is very interesting: I have had, on a few occasions and very fleetingly, what I would describe as “feeling memories”, not intellectual memories as such. I’ve had sort of “emotional flashbacks”, a feeling of pleasure, even a little joy, at the memory of something very simple…perhaps a walk long ago in the Irish countryside, or a gentle conversation with an old friend. Perhaps you know Wordsworth, the great English nature poet? Some of his poems(and there is one famous one in particular I’ve forgotten the name of) would describe exactly what I got hints of, but of course with far less intensity and durability.
In any case, all of these experiences lead me to the conclusion that TMS is a very powerful and effective tool, for which I am grateful. But, at least in my case, at this early stage, I would not say it is as yet a “cure”. In many respects I still feel shaky and uncertain and nervous and I still feel the “gravity” of negativity. I realize this is very important, at least in my case: TMS will give you the chance to reconstruct your emotional and intellectual vitality, but you must take firm and deliberate steps to remove from your life other negative factors; in my case it means not taking alcohol and tobacco, simplifying my social life to remove stressful and negative features and so on.
I’m sorry this has been so long-winded, Dr. Mesen, but some of these details might be interesting to you. I am immensely grateful to you and all your staff for the tremendous help you have given me.